The Worst Job I Ever Had?

25 Oct

Like this, but Easter Egg Blue

The Worst Job I Ever Had?

Well, this should be pretty easy, but I struggle with saying it’s ‘the worst’ because of how much I learned from the experience.

I guess it goes with out saying that when you are in high school and living in a very small town (Glendive, Montana- population about 4,000), new opportunities for travel and excitement are few and far between… plus, they are an easy sell to a young man going into the Summer before his Senior year.

The summer of 89 was truly one of those ‘coming of age’ times for my friends and me. I could write a book about that summer. This ‘job’ just kind of kicked it off.

My good friend and classmate, Kevin Brown, told me about an opportunity in Iowa where we could go make a lot of money in just a couple of weeks.

I’m so in.

Sounds exciting… travel, money, road trip, girls maybe! Honestly, he could have said we would be breaking ice blocks in Antarctica and I would have thought it was great… anything to battle the boredom cloud that hangs over most small town teenagers.

The job? Corn Detasseling. What the heck is that?

 

Detasseling corn is removing the pollen-producing tassel, from the tops of the cornrows and placing them on the ground. It is a form of pollination control, employed to crossbreed, two varieties of corn.

Exciting stuff, right?!

“Yeah!” he says. “We’ll go down for a couple of weeks, make some money and I’m talking 8 bucks an hour, stay at my Aunt’s house and stop over and see my Uncle whose a Catholic Priest!”

“Party on… I’ll back my bag!” I say.

Off we go.

We hit the road that hot July morning in his Easter Egg Blue 1960-something 4-door Dodge Dart. It had no A/C, but it had a killer sound system… and it would fly.

We had the usual provisions…

Chips, Big Gulps, licorice, Funyuns…

Tapes of Poison, Motley Crue, and some mix tapes that we had hoped to use to get some girls ‘in the mood’.

We debated if Poison’s ‘Every Rose Has It’s Thorn’ should come before or after Warrant’s ‘Heaven’.

That conversation could have lasted three hours.

We were brilliant, huh?

By the time we were halfway across North Dakota, it must have been 100 degrees. Our shirts were off, all 4 windows were down and the seatbacks were wet with sweat. By the way, when the seatbacks were wet, they actually softened the scratchy nylon a bit.

We couldn’t drive fast enough to cool down. So what? We were long gone and bound for greatness and adventures.

It was our ‘Rite Of Passage’.

We pulled into Carroll, Iowa that night at his Aunt and Uncle’s house. They were ‘salt of the earth’ people… the kind of people you want to host your teenagers as they drive across 3 states. Kevin’s cousin, Bobby, gave us the use of his bedroom.

“I’ll take the floor”, I said.

“No, I will”, Kevin, replied.

We flipped for it.

We still couldn’t sleep for being to excited about our big-time moneymaking gig in the morning.

We woke up the next morning at 4am and caught a school bus for an hour ride out to some remote cornfield on a farm that seemed like it 10,000 acres of nothing but corn rows.

Before we got our instructions, we were told to don Hefty trash bags, gloves and a hat over our long-sleeves shirts and jeans. “Why”, I asked.

Then it was explained to me that as you are walking these miles of cornrows that are usually over your head, you would get soaking wet, head to toe, from the morning dew. As an added bonus, you have to stay covered or you will get ‘corn rash’ on your skin. Nice.

About that time, a 12 year-old girl walks over and yells instructions and berates Kevin and me like we are Sgt. Pyle from ‘Full Metal Jacket’. When Kevin and I looked at each other and laughed, she got worse.

The other kids that were mostly our age were afraid of her and maybe we had reason to be too!

We straightened up quickly, got our marching orders and started walking our muddy row, pulling tassels, and quietly trying to make light of our situation with the ‘pig-tailed terrorist’ and hoping she didn’t hear us.  All we saw was corn… corn, corn and more corn.

The sun was coming up. This sucks.

As the day went on, the dew dried up and we could finally take off our trash bags. It didn’t matter. We were soaked, anyway. It was hot, I tell ya.

At noon we got a lunch break back at the bus. Kevin and I stripped almost all of our clothes off and lay in the one shady spot that wasn’t under the bus… in the middle of a 4-way stop. We didn’t care. We took our water thermos and poured that cold water on our heads.

About that time our favorite 12 year-old boss comes over to berate us and tell us to get dressed and get back to work.  She also threatened to fire us and made some other noise.

Off we go, back on another cornrow, but this time without wearing a trash bag like a prom dress.

Aside from the usual insults, a random deer jumping out in front of us, and the oppressive heat and humidity, we made the most of it.

We hopped back on the school bus that afternoon about 4 o’clock and went back to our host’s home where they had a huge dinner for us. We were so thankful and so drained. We were really too tired to talk. Our hosts knew the deal and graciously didn’t require too much conversation.

That night there was no coin flipping. Kevin and I crashed in the same bed, made the gratuitous gay joke, closed our eyes, saw cornrows and immediately fell asleep.

We were back at it the next morning at 4am… and the next… and on and on.

You would think that with some experience under our belts, now that Sgt. Suzy Slaughter would give us a break.

No such luck.

She was relentless. The funny thing was, that she would get on the bus to go home and seem like a normal 12 year-old girl… just talking about the latest New Kids On The Block song or whatever… no yelling or insults.  I didn’t know whether to be scared or impressed.

As the days went by, we decided we had enough energy to venture out in the evenings. Kevin’s cousin, Bobby got us to go to a couple of parties. We were introduced to people as ‘from Montana’, as if we were from Pluto. Their reaction was about the same, too.

Eventually, we made friends with a few farm girls and a few more keg spouts.  Those fun nights gave us fodder throughout the day and made working much easier. Pretty soon, we couldn’t wait for the nights with those ‘Crazy Iowa Farm-girls’.

We got into quite the routine. I don’t know how we did it. We survived the next week or 2 on a few hours of sleep a night, which made us that more ornery during the day. Ah, youth!

On our last day in the fields, we knew we wanted to give a little payback to our ‘miniature monster’. We didn’t really have a plan, but when I look back on it, I would say that ‘providence’ might have played a role.

Cornfields have these creatures that dash around rather quickly that are called ‘field mice’. They are quick and not easy to catch.

I got lucky. I caught this young mouse when he ran under my shoe. I put him in my shirt pocket and buttoned him in.

When lunch came around, we made our way to the bus a little faster this time. I found our girl’s little red thermos, unscrewed the top, dropped our sacrificial field mouse in the icy waters and screwed the lid back on.

We then trotted back to our spot in the middle of the road, took off most of our clothes, and ate and re-hydrated. Despite our weeks of toiling in those hot fields under the thumb of a four-foot tall, sixth grade, female ogress, we were going to miss this place.

After all, we did make the most of it.

That last afternoon flew by. We boarded the school bus and Kevin and I both sat toward the front, like we planned it, or something. Ten or fifteen minutes went by as we stared out the window and traded raised eyebrows and semi-restrained smiles.

We could hear our tiny boss talking to her friend. We really couldn’t make out what they were talking about. It almost sounded like mumbling at one point when we hear a scream that could have been dubbed from a ‘Halloween’ movie. The bus driver actually laid on the breaks… hard.

Everyone on the bus turned around to see what as the matter… everyone except Kevin and me. We just kept staring out the window and trying with all our might not to look at each other. If we made eye contact, our cover would have been totally blown.

You know how that is with friends… no eye contact and you are golden.

For instance, I have a good friend that I work with, and if someone says something in a meeting that’s not supposed to be funny, but IS… we know we CAN NOT make eye contact or it is OVER! It’s like hearing someone fart in church… Try, just try not to laugh. I dare you.

We left our host’s house the next day in a bittersweet retreat back to Montana. We had some fun times, met some great people, but we were done with ‘corn row’ business. Besides, we had to get home to our ‘huge’ checks waiting on us.

But before we settled in for that long road trip back to Glendive, we stopped in Sioux City to see Kevin’s Uncle, the Catholic priest. I never met the guy and didn’t know what to expect.

Would we sit around all day and pray, chant and wave incense? Would we visit dying people in hospitals? Would we be sleeping in the back of the church on a pew? Do priests live in the church? Will he noticed that my ear was pierced?

So many questions for a dumb teenager like me, but my prejudices were soon shattered.

We pulled up to the church in the Easter Egg car and he was sitting on the steps smoking a cigarette. This was going to be fine.

He was such a cool guy. He made put us up in the rectory attached to the church and gave us our own rooms and made sure we had plenty to eat. He also asked us about our trip. We left out some of the more sordid details, but if the truth were known, we probably needed a confession.

We rested and woke the next morning ready to hit the road. I’ll never forget this day because we woke to some news of a terrible and fiery commercial plane crash.

United Flight 232 crash landed in Sioux City due to engine failure and killed 111 people. 185 people survived.

We hit the road and our revelry turned to more serious topics… parents, college, careers, marriage etc…. for a few minutes anyway.

Before long, we were well on our way back home and trying to decide what we were going to do with the rest of summer… how to make more money, where to go drink beer and not get caught, and more importantly, who had the biggest boobs in our school?

I look back on this trip and think about how fortunate we were just to have this experience and how much we learned. Here are a few nuggets…

  1. Always keep track of your work hours- (we got stiffed and were only paid for about half the time we worked)
  2.  Get it in writing- Always know exactly what you are being paid. (That’s right, you guessed it, our $8 an hour gig, ended up being $4
  3. It’s amazing how fast teenage boys can spot a backyard pool in any town, sneak in, cool off, and be gone before you can blink.
  4. A giant pig can look like a cow from the highway… in Iowa.
  5. When using Ethanol or ‘Corn Gas’ in an old Dodge, it may take 3 to 4 starts and 3-4 minutes to get that old egg running smoothly.
  6. It’s a crazy world out there, but the kindness of strangers is immense.
  7. If you don’t put yourself out there and just ‘do’ new things, you are missing out.

I must say I consider myself extremely blessed to have been in the graces of such interesting and famously wholesome people. It’s important that we don’t lose the enthusiasm and excitement of experiencing new things. It’s plentiful in our youth, but we gradually can lose it.

The life lessons we learn on these expeditions can priceless (at any age), even if they have come at the expense of a young field mouse from the fields of Iowa.

Thanks For Reading,

Totty

This post is part of Theme Thursday, 20 questions/get to know you blog.  I picked 1 question. Such an enigma, right? 🙂 Please check out my partners in crime. Thave lots more for you to enjoy!

Something Clever 2.0 http://www.somethingclever2point0.com/

Cloudy With a Chance of Wine http://cloudywithachanceofwine.com/

The Next Step http://lorihokie.blogspot.com/

A Calibama State of Mind http://calibamamom.wordpress.com/

Mom With Her Running Shoes On http://momwithherrunningshoeson.blogspot.com/

Who Woulda Thought? http://whowouldathought-kevin.blogspot.com

One Classy Motha! http://www.oneclassymotha.com/

Mod Mom Beyond IndieDom http://modmombeyondindiedom.blogspot.com/

Halloween- Meet the ‘Goat Family’

18 Oct

I recently moved with my wife, 2 young boys and a baby girl. The one thing we knew that we were going to miss were our neighbors.  They are our extended family. They are fun and they are real and we love them.

We managed to sell our house quickly and found a place with more room for our expanding family. We bought in a newer development and had no idea what the new neighbors were going to be like.

You really never know, do you?

Well, as we moved in, we met almost all of our surrounding neighbors and they have been great… all but one husband and wife that live across the street.

The only thing we’ve gotten from these folks are glares, stares and dirty looks. I guess we should be thankful that that is ALL we’ve gotten.

Our next-door neighbors had personal visits from them. They felt the need to scream at them and their two toddlers for having a moving truck on the street for a ½ day. It wasn’t blocking anyone or in anyone’s way. They actually came over to their house twice and were extremely rude. Welcome to the neighborhood, right?

My children will wave and say hi, as kids do, and get nothing back.

This is how the happy couple earned the nickname ‘Goat Lady’ and ‘Goat Man’, from my 5 and 7 year-old boys. Henceforth, in honor of my genius children, this is how I will refer to them… ‘The Goat Family’.

And it gets better…

A few weeks ago, we decided to have our kids’ pictures taken together. You know how stressful that can be. The photographer decided to sit them on the curb on the Goat Family’s side of street for a few pictures. As soon as they sat down, the ‘Goat Man’ came out and stood in his driveway, arms folded, just to make sure we didn’t enter his territory. I even gave him a wave to say, ‘Hi’. He just stood there, sneering with his arms crossed. Nice.

Ok, here comes the really weird part… and my wife was the first one to notice this…

Whenever we, or any of our neighbors, have company over or the kids are outside playing, (which is often) the Goat Family will come outside, grab large branches and line them in stacks along the street and their driveway. I guess someone driving too close to the curb on their side of the street is just too much to bare.

Their house is on 3 acres, so this is no small task. They also have a huge, iron driveway gate with big brick columns on either side.

They have done it countless times.

It is one of the strangest rituals I have seen.

I must be quite honest. It doesn’t bother me like it does the other people. It’s quite entertaining, actually.

That doesn’t mean I will continue to enable the Goat Family’s odd behavior.

You have to ask yourself, “What do you do for neighbors like this?” How do you reach out? How can you help them see the error of their ways?

Do you get in a big shouting match and end up settling your differences on Jerry Springer?

No, not today, anyway…

It’s simple… you have to illustrate the ridiculous, with the ridiculous.

So, a plan was devised.

This, my friends is why me and my 9-month old baby girl spent the whole day Monday in our Honda minivan, ‘borrowing’ vast amounts of bright-orange road safety cones.

Can you say ‘Raising Arizona’?

By the way, you could be driving 100mph in a ball of flames, and you still wouldn’t get noticed in a minivan. Score one for the breeders.

I think Halloween will be the perfect night to stay up late, have a few beers, sneak out and line their whole house with orange safety cones. Maybe a couple of hundred of them.

More like 150, though, I lost count.

This a good for 3 reasons…

  1. It makes a point
  2. It’s really fun
  3. I’ll feel much better

Will it change their attitude?

Probably not.

Will they still scowl at my children?

Probably.

Do people take themselves way too seriously in this short ride of life?

You bet they do.

So let this be my ‘shot across the bow’ in the war on humor and neighborly love!

And if they don’t ‘get it’… there is always Christmas…

And I love to decorate 🙂

But you are lucky now, because this post is part of Theme Thursday, and my partners in crime have lots more for you to enjoy. So grab some candy and keep reading!!

Something Clever 2.0 http://www.somethingclever2point0.com/A Calibama State of Mind  http://www.calibamamom.com

Cloudy With a Chance of Wine http://cloudywithachanceofwine.com/The Next Step http://lorihokie.blogspot.com/

Shit I Don’t Tell Most People http://shitidonttell.blogspot.com/

5 Fashion Tips For Real Men (help us out ladies)

19 Jun

Hello Friends!

This is a public service announcement for the betterment of mankind, and I do stress the man in mankind. I still don’t know why I’m surprised when I see horrible fashion choices for your everyday average guy. We are men. We are the 99% of men in fly-over country that don’t really care who is on what runway and what hot club that ‘DJ Whogivesashit’ is playing.

Unless you are a Fashionista, metro/homosexual or rock star, most of us guys aren’t really dialed-in to their sense of style. That’s ok, but every now and then when we try and make an effort, it takes a disastrous turn. We have all been there and sometimes more often than we would like to admit.

There was that Christmas of 1988 that I knew with 100% certainty that my teal socks would look so bitchin’ with my teal hi-top Reeboks and stonewashed jeans… soon followed by my zebra-striped Zuma/MC Hammer pants and bi-level haircut and dangle-y earring. For shame… yes, it’s tough to face. I could go on and on.

So, how do we avoid being the butt of legendary internet fodder? Well, it doesn’t mean you have to read Italian Men’s Vogue or dress like Sigfried and Roy. It actually requires just a little effort and is pretty easy.  Most of you will find this elementary, but hopefully this will help a little. I have broken this down into some very basic steps that should keep you out of the danger zone.

1. Fear The Trend!!

Affliction shirts– Unless you are a Mixed Martial Arts fighter, please do not attempt. This has ‘Fast & Furious-insecure-douche-bag’ written all over it. Remember that Ed Hardy shirt with the bedazzled tiger head that you thought was so cool? How’s that workin’ for you?

White sunglasses– A straight man should not wear white sunglasses. Period. Does this really need an explanation, Jackie-O?

Skinny Jeans– Are you fronting a hot band? No. Please step away from the skinny jeans. Skinny jeans can also make you look like a girl and give you the opposite of camel toe… ‘mammal toe’. Don’t do it. Although women will look to try and figure out what’s what down there… ‘Is that the helmet or is it leaning the other way?’… Most women will never admit it, but this is a forum of truth. That being said, it’s not a place for a man to go. Let the skinny jeans evolve into the realm of the leisure suit and Firebird louvers.

2. Shoes

Five-Toe Shoes– These are fantastic, if you want to look like an emasculated ballet dancer at the gym. If you wear these shoes, you better be climbing rocks or running through mountain streams where no one can see you. There is no way around this. These shoes make you look like a frog-footed woman. If you have purchased these, please hide them like a stash of asian porn, immediately.

Crocs-If you are not working in your yard and you are over 10 years-old, do not wear Crocs. Yes, I have heard of all the benefits, but have some pride. These shoes make all men look like goofy children.

All White Tennis Shoes- This is only acceptable if you are a hip-hop artist, cabana boy or Mickey Mouse. Sounds weird, huh? It’s true.  Why? Have you seen how you wear them with jean shorts or khakis?! Throw in a fanny-pack and you are guaranteed to never, ever, ever get laid again or seem attractive to any gender. (*it is to be noted that this is acceptable in Europe. Proof that the USA is the greatest nation on earth).

White Dress Shoes- Aside from the easy Cousin Eddie jokes from National Lampoon’s Vacation, I see guys wearing white dress shoes and it actually causes me physical pain. It’s hard for me to even write about this because I can’t believe men actually wear them. So, please forgive me from going into the details and if you wear these, you damn well better have a midget sized man-servant and live on an exotic island somewhere. God rest your soul, Ricardo Montalban.

*It should also be noted that you should never wear shoes purchased from the SkyMall catalog. Many ideas seem good at the time. This is not one of them. If this is you, I’ll give you some grace and blame it on the jet lag, but don’t ever tell anyone what you did. Ever.

3. Gold-No. (wedding band only, if applicable) If you are on a date and are wearing any of the following…

  • gold tie-bar (yes, these exists and are trying to comeback. Don’t do it.)
  • gold cuff-links
  • gold rings (if they have diamonds, you may be too far gone)
  • gold necklace (Scott Baio excluded)
  • gold bracelets, etc…

please feel free to ‘throw in some floormats’ with that pinot noir, because you will have ‘bad-used-car-salesman’ written all over you #notanaphrodisiac

4. Your hair style- Many of us have stayed with the hairstyle in the year of what we think of as our ‘prime’. I’m guilty of this too. Some days, I go totally ‘Counting Crowes’ with my hair. This can be a tough one. How will you know if time has passed you by?  If you still go to The Hair Cuttery, SuperCuts or Fantastic Sams, or you are constantly being told that you remind someone of a game show host from the 70’s, there is a damn good chance that this is you. Spend a little extra money and go to a reputable salon and get an honest opinion.

5. Under Armour Shirts On Dates- Ok, this may seem small, but this drives your host absolutely nuts. Do not wear your ‘best Under Armour shirt’ out on dates with your wife/girlfriend/whatever. This says, ‘I don’t really care about making any kind effort to look nice for you, I just want to be comfortable and wick away my sweat easily’. Just buy a decent shirt, okay?!? You are not playing golf with your buddies or running to Home Depot. Enough, already.

So, I’ve talked about what not to do. Here are some brands and links that are helpful for any price and comfort range…

1. Billy Reidhttp://www.billyreid.com  -This brand is the epitome of classic southern charm without being too trendy. Pure classics with an edge. Pricey and worth every cent. Great shoes.

2. J. Crewhttp://www.jcrew.com  -A great place to start, easily accessible and priced right.

3. John Varvatoshttp://www.johnvarvatos.com  -Classic looks with a little Rolling Stones thrown in. Pricey, well-made, trendier than previously mentioned brands.

In the end, just remember to be a man. Women love men. The kind of woman you need does not want you to be a ‘trend victim’, dress effeminately and go on ‘The Bachelorette’ and cry because you haven’t found love or lost the boat race (sorry, I had to throw that in). Women already worry too much about themselves. Don’t be the guy that spends too much time trying to look like they are going to a party with Paris Hilton. Not Cool. Be a ‘leading man’ in Ocean’s 11, not in ‘Jersey Shore’. The Classics never go out of style.

Be yourself, make a little effort, stay with the classics and be a man for crying out loud.

Thank you for reading!

Totty

The Bachelorette- Has Anyone Seen My Backbone?

24 May

Ok, let me start off and admit it. I watched the Season Premier of ‘The Bachelorette’ and Monday’s show too.

And I am so glad I did, because it is a serves as a clinic in ‘what not to do’ when you are trying to meet someone.

Even though I was embarrassed for the male species and it was painful to watch, I gutted it out… every shameless, desperate boy, vying for the attention of the ultimate hot mama that Emily Maynard is.

One after the other, pulling out every gag, corny line, costume and never failing to tell her how ‘amazing’ she looks… off they went, dignity and humility long gone, for the most part.

First off, let’s just assume that the show isn’t the ultra-production that it is and take it at face value. I still find it so difficult to watch. I squirm at how bad they want someone they don’t even know.

They actually cry. Kill me now.

Even the ex-football player/trainer (that I found myself pulling for) handed her a hand-scribbled, multi-page letter. It went a little something like this…

“Hi, Emily,

I know we just met and have only spent a few minutes together, but I think you are perfect in every way and I want to marry you, have babies with you, raise your child as mine, worship the ground you walk on forever… We are so like Bella and Edward Cullen from Twilight and I may kill myself if you don’t give me a rose tonight.

 

True Love Always,

Bachelor #14

Sounds completely rational, right?

Riiight…

Hey, it’s television so just roll with it.

Listen to me.

No one and I mean no one is attracted to that desperate wannabe guy (or girl) who is willing to do or say anything to be accepted. Ever heard of ‘perceived value’?

Well, you may be behind the eight ball anyway if you are on national television looking for a soul mate. That being said, it won’t hurt to throw a few hints out there to those who need it. So, here goes…

-Be engaging, but not overly engaging. 

Whether you like her/him or not, don’t lose your shit if you really like them. During some of those close-up ‘Bachelorette’ shots, I wondered if these guys knew that they looked like they wanted to kill and eat her. Some of the looks were a cross between manic desperation and Vietnam-type flashbacks of being last picked on a playground pickup game. Take it easy. Desperation isn’t pretty. Some of these guys make the ‘Rock Of Love’ girls look like YMCA soccer moms.

Don’t be the ‘Stage 5 Clinger’.

They aren’t going anywhere. Please don’t ‘bar stalk’, it’s embarrassing for everyone involved. Remember, you have friends to talk to and interesting things going on in your life… Act like you do, anyway and if you don’t, please go enrich yourself immediately.

Ask questions about them.

I know this is hard. You really want them to like you but redirect, please.

 

 

Bring something to the table (just don’t put out the whole buffet) 

You don’t have to throw up your high school football championship or 6th grade science fair trophy… Remember, you are cool, funny, unique or whatever it is. This is a 2-way street. They should be inquiring about you as well. If not, be able to take the hint and graciously move on.

-A little humor goes a long way. (see first column ‘Easy Tiger’)

And I mean good humor. That comes much easier if you are not trying to be Mr. Cool. Don’t take yourself too seriously and watch it work. No one used real humor to lighten up the Bachelorette situation that is awkward and clumsy at best. By real, I mean real. Just start with the basic stuff. You can always disarm someone with the use of some self-deprecating humor and make light of the awkward situation that you are in… “Wow, that guy that looks like Jude Law just arrived in a helicopter… should I just leave now?”

This is all pretty basic stuff wouldn’t you agree? Still, it will continue. Our Insecurities get the best of us sometimes. I know this because I have been there multiple times. And yes, I’m embarrassed to admit it. But, if my older me could write a letter to a younger me it would have some advice that follows the theme of this entry that run in-line with the musings of ‘The Bachelorette’. And this goes for everyone…

Just remember that no matter how attracted you are to someone, how many cameras may be on you or whatever the situation you are in…

Don’t ever beg someone to pick you and…

-Never, ever, ever waste your time with someone that doesn’t get how great you are.

Now, please excuse me while I get back to ‘real’ reality. I do enjoy the weekly breaks, though.

Thanks For Reading,

Totty

 

When You’re Not, You’re Hot- Four Looks That Men Love.

10 May

When Your Not, Your Hot…

What?

What I’m talking about is, the real & everyday looks/styles that men love. I feel somewhat obligated to inform you about the simple things about you that men see and act completely stupid over… that and the fact that men don’t care if you are sweaty and have 0 to minimal makeup on most of the time.

So, what looks am I talking about? You know… those looks that can make us to walk into tall potted plants at the local galleria or pour the half & half all over the coffee shop counter while we completely miss our drink… the kind of look that makes us pull out all of our (what we think are sneaky but not fooling anybody) tricks… you know the one where you have sunglasses on and you turn your head one way and look the other? You are thinking, ‘If I just turn my head away but keep my eyes dialed in, they’ll never know I’m staring’… that one. So sneaky, right? Yeah, right.

You ladies make us do this all the time and you don’t even know you’re doing it… most of you, anyway.  So, what are those looks that set us off? I’m about to fill you in on 4 of them.

Some of you ladies may already be thinking, ‘skinny, my ‘good’ jeans, perfect hair, blah, blah, blah…
Some guys are already thinking… Big Boobs, a nice ass, long brown hair, blah, blah, blah

Sure, that can be okay for starters… but it’s hardly the case all the time and hardly realistic. And if I am to be very honest, self-absorbed people bore the ever-loving shit out of me.
Have you not seen any episodes of ‘Real Housewives of (insert place here)’? The only ‘Real’ thing about them is their locomotives of ‘Real’ insecurities that pull endless boxcars of drama towards the seemingly never-ending train wreck that is their lives.

I’ll pass.

This, friends, is about what we really think when we see you ladies at Starbucks right after your tennis round-robin or Bikram yoga class… Shudder.
Don’t worry. What you may think is embarrassing, could really be your mojo, believe it or not.

I know… just the thought is horrifying to you..

Admit it, if you have the nerve to grab a latte while you have no makeup on and drenched in sweat, your very first and only hope is that you see no one you know or will ever see again, there. Much less someone you are attracted to.
The following explains why you shouldn’t really care.
So, here it is…

Guys don’t care. Call us savages, that may be true, but it so works in your favor.
“Eww I’m all gross and sweaty” you say… Or “I’m so disgusting, right now… Must. Make. Fast. Getaway.”
It does not matter.
Why? It’s how we are wired and it’s not as bad as you think. Give us a little credit.

Now, am I saying to roll out of bed, skip the toothbrush, throw on some gym shorts, and horrible Dearfoam slippers? No, that may be a ‘bridge too far’. Sloppy, crusty and slobby can get you on the next ‘People Of Wal-Mart’ email that we all secretly love to receive. ‘Back boobs‘ and ‘camel toe‘, anyone? Don’t make yourself a victim.

So, because I love lists, and just in case you are curious, I have listed those real ‘looks’ that drive us crazy.

Look #1The Mini-Skirt/Tank-Top/Flip-Flop combo– This screams ‘Summer’ and good times to us boys. This is when women make it look easy to be a woman. Men will relentlessly use their aforementioned ‘look-the-other-way-sunglasses’ trick. We are deemed helpless if we see this. It’s money in the bank. On a side note: This look is deemed useless on men with all of their teeth if any airbrush paint is applied or if their is any mention of redneck Spring Break destinations.

Look #2Jeans/V-neck t-shirt/Hair pulled back Look– this one really slays ’em. Not only are you hot, but cool too. ‘I could totally hang with this girl’, is what we are thinking. Throw in a cool necklace and a bracelet or two and get ready for some dudes to try and stare you in with a tractor beam… then quickly look away when you catch them… then stare again… and on and on. Can work with strappy sandals or flip flops. Adjust accordingly.

Look #3-‘The  I’mToo Sexy For My Guru’ Look– 2 words. Yoga pants. They trump sweatiness and bad hair, believe it or not. Remember, we are savages. I’ll leave the other details to your imagination since my 11-year old niece may be reading this.

Look #4-’30-Love‘- Tennis Skirts/Skorts – Either way, pre or post game = hot. Add sleeveless shirt and you just might get stalked. There is one caveat… Those cold-weather leggings under the skirt are bad… Bad, bad, bad.

So, there it is. No where mentioned is heavy make up and dressing to the nines, or whatever the trend of the week is. There’s a time and place for that, I guess. But, you should really know that you’ve ‘got it goin on’ way more often than you know. So, if you see us men trip, walk into a closed door or drive into the car in front of us, it’s probably your fault… so, try not to laugh too loud.

As for us guys, I will start on that next week.. and continue on… probably forever.

Thanks for reading,

Totty

Easy, Tiger…

30 Apr

Let’s face it, guys. It’s hard to live up to the rain-soaked, passion-fueled, perfectly lit images of sex in movies like ‘The Notebook’. No matter what stage of your relationship you are in, not all ‘Bump Encounters’ are gonna be fueled by the music of Barry White and look like the cover of a desperate romance novel. Sorry, Fabio.

Why we have to take ourselves so seriously at every single one of these moments is beyond me, anyway. Why do we put so much pressure on ourselves when trying to ‘get some’? It’s not always going to be that intense. Looking like Henry Rollins on a rant can take most of the fun out of a romantic situation. It’s not an MMA fight… not yet, anyway 😉

So, have some fun… and relax.

Am I saying to throw in a Carrot Top routine when you are romancing someone? Of course not, but just look at what laughter does…

Relaxes you– You need to relax. Doesn’t mean ‘be lazy’. Just relax.

Releases endorphins– According to the journal ‘The Scientific American’, when endorphins are released, you feel good and pain is relieved. I guess that headache excuse goes out the window. Bonus.

Helps build your relationship– Isn’t this kinda what it’s about?

Builds confidence in you- If you can laugh at yourself, you are a confident person. That’s hot, by the way.

Now, this is all good because whether it’s your 1st time or your 500th, the more at-ease you are, the better. This is especially good for your partner because it can help get them out of their ‘head-space’. Think about it… If you are with someone that bares the responsibility of raising your kids and/or running the household, there are 1000 different things on their mind. Having sex with you might not be on the top of their list. Sorry.

Now, if you are a new couple and still trying to find that groove like Stella, increase the laughter factor. That can help you and them relax to a point where they feel comfortable vocalizing what they want. After all, this is our most vulnerable state for us humans, no? It can help you too, Hercules. Take it easy. If you are shocked that your partner has needs too, you are going to need a lot more than this article and something way above my pay-grade.

You may be saying to  yourself, “I’m not a funny person. Do I need to memorize Larry The Cable Guy’s stand-up comedy routine?” No, that’s not the way to get’er done. First of all, everyone has funny little things about them or funny things that happen to them. Believe it or not, your partner thinks there is something funny or endearing about you. If you don’t think so, you are taking yourself way too seriously and could be in for a self-imposed life sentence of  serious and chronic masturbation. And that’s a stretch no one wants.

Think of the funny things about your partner…

-That time she walked head-first into a freshly Windex-ed sliding glass door.

-She knows the whole dance routine the Backstreet Boys video ‘I Want It That Way’ and plays a mean ‘air flute’ to Tina Turner’s ‘What’s Love Got To Do With It’.

Think of funny things that involve both of you…

-The time both of you couldn’t stop laughing when that huge guy at Chili’s stood up at his table and banged his head on one of those huge, heavy, copper pots they use as light fixtures as he turned red, grimaced in pain and resisted like hell, the urge to grab his huge head… all while both of you endured the dirty looks from his family. Precious moments, they are.

Funny things happen all the time. Enjoy them. Live for them. Do this and it will help you for the rest of your life.

Now, one more thing. This will gross you out and maybe permanently scar you, but it must be brought up. Are you ready? This will get ugly. You may want to bail out now. Oh well, you have been warned.

Ok, if you’ve made it this far, congratulations. You have heart or balls or whatever. But here goes…

Your parents have sex.

Exhale.

You don’t have to visualize it or know the frequency, just know it. And you know that it looks nothing like a scene from a Nicholas Sparks book or Twilight series. Your parents, if they are older, probably aren’t in the best shape, get on each other’s nerves and worry more about missing a re-run of ‘Law & Order’ than missing any bedroom action. Do they still get it on from time to time? Sure they do, God bless ’em. Why do I even bring this up? Well… Do you think good sense of humor and laughter does them any good? Of course, it does. It has to 😉

Thanks for reading,

Chris

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